How I Rationalize My Deplorable Actions, So I Don’t Hate Myself

41 views | 0 comments

Recently, while arguing with Patrick, he pointed out that nothing he has done with respect to me has been anywhere near as egregious as what I had done by having him deported.  I responded that I can’t MAKE ICE do ANYTHING!  The fact that I called ICE and filed a false report against him (claiming he was an illegal alien, a fugitive, and that he had already been deported), for the sole purpose of getting him deported so I could get custody of our son, has absolutely nothing to do with ICE deporting him.

It’s irrelevant that the only reason ICE showed up at his home and arrested him within 24 hours of me calling them, was because I called them.  And I’m not the one that held him, unnecessarily, in an immigration detention facility for three months before putting him on a plane to Canada – ICE did that.  So, why does he insist on blaming ME for having anything at all to do with him being deported?

The fact that Patrick has no criminal record; no actual basis for being deported; other than the false allegation that he was in the country illegally (though, between you and I, I’ve known all along that he was born in Florida) is also not relevant.  The only thing that’s relevant is: Am I the person that physically forced Patrick onto a plane and out of the country (against his will, I might add)?  No.  I’m not that person.  That was ICE, not me.

And that, my friends, is how I convince myself I am a good and decent person.  There can be no cause and effect in my world.  If there was there’d be no way I could live with myself.

But what’s really interesting, is that even though I refuse to acknowledge that any of my actions are ever in any way related to any of the bad things that happen to me or anyone I come into contact with – I am equally convinced that everything bad that happens to me, or in my live, is the direct result of Patrick’s actions.  Even when I know he didn’t commit the those actions.

Ah, it’s a wonderful life when you’re delusional.  You can just make up whatever reality that suits you from moment to moment and you never have to be held accountable for anything you did more than 5 minutes ago.

And for the record: that conversation with Patrick did actually happen.  I did actually claim that I am not responsible for him being deported because “I can’t make ICE do anything”.  Yes, I really am that fucked up in the head.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Please enter the missing number to confirm you're real. *